Erica Jong is the ‘70s feminist author of “Fear of Flying”, in which she coined the ‘zipless fuck’ – the ‘purest’ possible sexual encounter, between complete strangers without the use of any words. As long as women admit to having sexual fantasies which do not involve the use of words (let alone filling in consent forms), then some men will seek to fulfil them (or try it on by all manner of means, in other words). Women use double standards with regard to men. Exactly the same bold behaviour might be acceptable and even exciting coming from a fancied man, whilst being unacceptable and even traumatic coming from an unfancied man. How is a man supposed to know if he is fancied or not, other than by trying it on (or out)? It’s not as if women ever give anything away. Fiction and particularly romantic movies have consistently painted a picture of women resisting until they capitulate, so it makes sense for men to persist in the pursuit of that capitulation. To put it another way, men are supposed (in both senses) to be proactively persistent, and women reactively resistant. “Faint heart never won fair lady”, as the old saying goes.
Though every individual woman who has been harassed, groped, assaulted or raped has a legitimate grievance against the individual men involved, women as a whole must bear every bit as much responsibility for the existing system as men do. Though I’m told it is much better amongst young people, in my generation it has always been expected, and even required, that the man has to be the instigator, from beginning to end, of all ‘progress’ in developing relationships. At no stage does any average man have the slightest clue what is appropriate, since he can just as easily be too slow as too fast. As has always been the case with feminism, the main problem is that righteous feminists don’t seem to have any idea what many other women are like. Just as no generalisations about all men can be made, there can equally be none made about all women. If outraged women really want it to be the case that no man ever touches them unless they want him to, then they must make it the case that all women do instigate physical contact when they do want it. So-called sluts will have to be praised, not shamed.
Women often claim that they want men to respect them. On a personal level, as someone who has never harassed, groped, assaulted or raped any woman, and has always been respectful of them, I would say that is a useless strategy for a man. If you respect women, they just ignore you as being harmless, or assume you’re not physically interested in them, when they ought to reward you. As has recently been made abundantly clear (for the umpteenth time), my epitaph should read, “Women liked him, and felt safe and comfortable in his company, but they very rarely fancied him.” Meanwhile, bold sexist men reap all the rewards. Women also claim they want men to be honest. Though they undoubtedly do want men not to be liars, that is not the same as being honest, and, in my experience, as someone who has always been scrupulously honest (without volunteering anything I know would be unacceptable), I would say there is hardly a woman on this planet who really wants any man to be honest. For example, any honest (unattached or frustrated) man would admit that he regards women primarily as sexual objects (which of course they are, just as men are to women), but that is regarded as totally unacceptable to most women. Gropers et al can be seen as being true to their impulses, which is a form of honesty. Just as honesty and politeness are rarely compatible, so are honesty and respect.
Though Erica Jong can certainly not be held responsible for ‘bad’ men, her overthrowing of the old ‘code of conduct’ did contribute to the confusing times in which both men and women now find themselves.
Hugh Dower, November 2017